blissful forfeit

how to live sacrificially

without losing who I am.

Jesus.  

completely Himself,

every moment,

and

He is our perfect example of sacrifice.

And here I am, as a young mother....

knowing that I

relinquish rights

day and night

A right to what?  

my own time?  to do what with, exactly?  

What person has the right 

to shower alone, 

to have times of peaceful quiet,

to watch a movie,

to enjoy a date night

to sleep through the night

?

I take a step back and realize-

privileges these are all.

privileges I let go

in order to revel in the honor of being exactly where I am called to be. 

Mother. Wife. 

How do I choose to be present in this, my calling?

How selfish I have been.

How I long to sacrifice my selfish self and replace her with a beautiful new creation.

and this is already happening

the great Potter molds me,

everyday

eyes opened afresh, once again

my heart grows wings 

with freedom to love

and the knowledge that I've been loved all along.

absent thoughts

mind of mine

where have you gone?

I long

for sabbatical

and so

***

my thoughts take leave

occasionally.

the truancy of 

my thought catalog

bestows the gift of

blissful ignorance.

but where

did my _____ go?

I will climb this Mountain with my hands wide open.

One. Year. In.

We are camped out after the first day's hike.  Finding shelter in a little tent illuminated with a lantern of love.  Shocked into the reality of the life of climbing up into the glory God has called us to.  I had no idea it could be like this.  There is a satisfying soreness that accompanies a big new day of hiking for miles up sharp inclines.  In much this way, the muscle of my heart is sore from change/JOY/growth/hard moments/tears of happiness/sleep deprivation/wonder of life/JESUS is so good. And there are yet multitudinous days ahead.

Breathing in new air.

Filled with anticipation of what is to come, entirely unable to predict what the journey ahead holds.  Anyone who claims having children is "settling down" doesn't have a clue as to the heart wrenching joy-filled adventure it truly is.  Hidden in the throes of life, seemingly normal and everyday, THIS is a real-time lesson in LOVE, sacrifice, needforJesuseverysecond.

Where is the spring?

Spring of water, cup of life, fill me up oh Lord.  This beautiful pilgrimage I find myself called to-- I need a better trail mix/energy shake/source of strength.  Dreamy days of long walks outside, sunscreen at the park, inhaling fresh air, chasing our large shadows in the bright hot sun, picnics galore. I foresee these sweet delights.  

Striding forward as cheerfulness comes and goes.  

I never knew a tear stained face and light step could somehow fit together.  

Yet on I go, longing for new life, and finding it in You.

Turning

*eyes*mind*heart*

heavenward.

rejoicing.thanking.asking.clinging.

oh God, be near.

I bloom in the Presence of Greatness.

soundtrack of my life

supportive. comforting. usually gives just what I need. therapeutic presence. familiar.
traits that could describe a dear friend. and indeed, my favorite radio station is.

Lately I have been pondering the way my musical choices reflect the state of my life.

My early days were spent with a father whose superb taste in music went unnoticed and unappreciated by my youth, and a mother whose interest in pop exposed me to the fun of the ever-changing genre.

Upon becoming a Christian, I was amazed at all the "good" Christian music there was, and so filled my life with only those artists, which was fantastic for my mind and inner growth at that point.

College was a time of re-entering the realm of music as a whole. Young and fresh friends shared their interest in the treasure trove of goods that could be found- indie artists were awaiting at the end of the rainbow all around... it was a time of tremendous discovery and transformation, and therefore tunes were necessary to mirror this 'coming of age' so to speak.

In my earliest twenties, a new local station started and was brought to my attention by a musical friend of (still) the most delectable and stunning taste in artists. I was hooked by the random play list that tended to be so perfect. Even if I didn't like one song, I didn't bother changing the channel because chances were the next would be worth the wait.
**89.3 The Current** filled the role of my 'radio station boyfriend' for quite some time, and provided much needed therapy in high volumes while I was driving. Much in my heart.mind.soul cannot be expressed in words, and I find music enters a space that is only understood by God. While I do not create music, I find that listening to certain sounds and lyrics at the right time has an infusing life affirming quality.

I got married, and stayed true to my favorite radio friend until we moved to Seattle.
Prepared for the toughness of such a big transition, one result was how very much I missed *The Current.* Sure, I did some research and found the local equivalent here. But how could it ever be the same?

Instead, I soon found myself drawn to a new friend in the form of talk radio. It was too painful to listen to a music station that wasn't the one I had grown so close to. Doing so was a glaring reminder of how different life now was. And so I have become someone that includes the phrase "I heard it on NPR" in my everyday conversation. It has been an invigorating way to interact with world and local news, and makes use of centers of my brain that were previously a little dustier than I would prefer. It is good to be exposed to such intellect and beauty of thought.
One sad result: a great lack of music in my day.

Musical discovery in general has been absent because I have had to slowly mourn all that has remained in Minnesota- friends.family.lakes galore.all that is familiar. favorite eateries. favorite coffee. local bands filled with friends.
Being in a new place in a relatively new marriage and figuring out our life's direction is really fun AND really hard, which translates into a complicated paradoxical every day life.
There have been many great days intertwined with many dark. One day I rejoice in the romanticism of Seattle rain, and another the clouds and greyness are an appropriate companion for my mood.

But I just started giving that local indie station a real second chance; and requesting fresh CDs from the library. I actually miss spelunking for sweet new sounds. My musical appetite desires fulfillment again.

small steps that feel like a glimpse into a hopeful future.

{local Seattle band 'Campfire OK'
provided a much-needed bright spot with
completely impromptu concert in Nov.
Walked to center of my favorite coffee shop
and start playing banjo, two guitars,
stomping percussion and singing.
no microphones, no cover charge.
and they sounded amazing.}

Presently inviting suggestions for favorite new songs and cds worth trying.