look to Thee

I lift up my eyes to you,

to you whose throne is in 

heaven.

As the eyes of slaves look to

the hand of their master,

as the eyes of a maid look 

to the hand of her 

mistress,

so our eyes look to the LORD

our God,

till he shows us his mercy.

-Psalm 123:1-2

how to reside in the Presence of the Lord?

faith -- to set my eyes on Jesus

freed from religious requirements/equipment

responding instead to a constant invitation 

to return the gaze of my soul to HIM

in beautiful abandon


to be present in my simplest callings

ever mindful of His love for me.

reclaiming the truth

I am His Beloved.

Today I ponder how to continually turn my inward eyes to Jesus.  Becoming evermore aware that I am known and loved by Him.  Tozer claims faith need not be defined, so much as lived.  The Bible gives little explanation for what exactly faith is, but rather provides many examples of men and women turning their inner gaze to God over and again.  

How do I do this? I've noticed I am helped by music about God, verses posted throughout our space, habitual giving thanks before meals.  My mind and heart are well when my thoughts are moved back on Him. 

Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, 

who share in the heavenly calling, 

fix your thoughts on Jesus, 

whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest.

Hebrews 3:1 

sanguine frost

ardent eagerness for the thaw 

skin parched by cold air

in tracks moving paw paw

primitive short strolls where

swathed in layers many

savoring sips of sunlight

wishes for warm & sunny

springtime appears, it might

fresh days arrive

the next one looming

shall we survive

optimistic assuming

cheery smiling steps abound

amid the March spring tease

and our hopeful hearts resound:

prolonged walks soon, please?

blissful forfeit

how to live sacrificially

without losing who I am.

Jesus.  

completely Himself,

every moment,

and

He is our perfect example of sacrifice.

And here I am, as a young mother....

knowing that I

relinquish rights

day and night

A right to what?  

my own time?  to do what with, exactly?  

What person has the right 

to shower alone, 

to have times of peaceful quiet,

to watch a movie,

to enjoy a date night

to sleep through the night

?

I take a step back and realize-

privileges these are all.

privileges I let go

in order to revel in the honor of being exactly where I am called to be. 

Mother. Wife. 

How do I choose to be present in this, my calling?

How selfish I have been.

How I long to sacrifice my selfish self and replace her with a beautiful new creation.

and this is already happening

the great Potter molds me,

everyday

eyes opened afresh, once again

my heart grows wings 

with freedom to love

and the knowledge that I've been loved all along.

absent thoughts

mind of mine

where have you gone?

I long

for sabbatical

and so

***

my thoughts take leave

occasionally.

the truancy of 

my thought catalog

bestows the gift of

blissful ignorance.

but where

did my _____ go?

I will climb this Mountain with my hands wide open.

One. Year. In.

We are camped out after the first day's hike.  Finding shelter in a little tent illuminated with a lantern of love.  Shocked into the reality of the life of climbing up into the glory God has called us to.  I had no idea it could be like this.  There is a satisfying soreness that accompanies a big new day of hiking for miles up sharp inclines.  In much this way, the muscle of my heart is sore from change/JOY/growth/hard moments/tears of happiness/sleep deprivation/wonder of life/JESUS is so good. And there are yet multitudinous days ahead.

Breathing in new air.

Filled with anticipation of what is to come, entirely unable to predict what the journey ahead holds.  Anyone who claims having children is "settling down" doesn't have a clue as to the heart wrenching joy-filled adventure it truly is.  Hidden in the throes of life, seemingly normal and everyday, THIS is a real-time lesson in LOVE, sacrifice, needforJesuseverysecond.

Where is the spring?

Spring of water, cup of life, fill me up oh Lord.  This beautiful pilgrimage I find myself called to-- I need a better trail mix/energy shake/source of strength.  Dreamy days of long walks outside, sunscreen at the park, inhaling fresh air, chasing our large shadows in the bright hot sun, picnics galore. I foresee these sweet delights.  

Striding forward as cheerfulness comes and goes.  

I never knew a tear stained face and light step could somehow fit together.  

Yet on I go, longing for new life, and finding it in You.

Turning

*eyes*mind*heart*

heavenward.

rejoicing.thanking.asking.clinging.

oh God, be near.

I bloom in the Presence of Greatness.

soundtrack of my life

supportive. comforting. usually gives just what I need. therapeutic presence. familiar.
traits that could describe a dear friend. and indeed, my favorite radio station is.

Lately I have been pondering the way my musical choices reflect the state of my life.

My early days were spent with a father whose superb taste in music went unnoticed and unappreciated by my youth, and a mother whose interest in pop exposed me to the fun of the ever-changing genre.

Upon becoming a Christian, I was amazed at all the "good" Christian music there was, and so filled my life with only those artists, which was fantastic for my mind and inner growth at that point.

College was a time of re-entering the realm of music as a whole. Young and fresh friends shared their interest in the treasure trove of goods that could be found- indie artists were awaiting at the end of the rainbow all around... it was a time of tremendous discovery and transformation, and therefore tunes were necessary to mirror this 'coming of age' so to speak.

In my earliest twenties, a new local station started and was brought to my attention by a musical friend of (still) the most delectable and stunning taste in artists. I was hooked by the random play list that tended to be so perfect. Even if I didn't like one song, I didn't bother changing the channel because chances were the next would be worth the wait.
**89.3 The Current** filled the role of my 'radio station boyfriend' for quite some time, and provided much needed therapy in high volumes while I was driving. Much in my heart.mind.soul cannot be expressed in words, and I find music enters a space that is only understood by God. While I do not create music, I find that listening to certain sounds and lyrics at the right time has an infusing life affirming quality.

I got married, and stayed true to my favorite radio friend until we moved to Seattle.
Prepared for the toughness of such a big transition, one result was how very much I missed *The Current.* Sure, I did some research and found the local equivalent here. But how could it ever be the same?

Instead, I soon found myself drawn to a new friend in the form of talk radio. It was too painful to listen to a music station that wasn't the one I had grown so close to. Doing so was a glaring reminder of how different life now was. And so I have become someone that includes the phrase "I heard it on NPR" in my everyday conversation. It has been an invigorating way to interact with world and local news, and makes use of centers of my brain that were previously a little dustier than I would prefer. It is good to be exposed to such intellect and beauty of thought.
One sad result: a great lack of music in my day.

Musical discovery in general has been absent because I have had to slowly mourn all that has remained in Minnesota- friends.family.lakes galore.all that is familiar. favorite eateries. favorite coffee. local bands filled with friends.
Being in a new place in a relatively new marriage and figuring out our life's direction is really fun AND really hard, which translates into a complicated paradoxical every day life.
There have been many great days intertwined with many dark. One day I rejoice in the romanticism of Seattle rain, and another the clouds and greyness are an appropriate companion for my mood.

But I just started giving that local indie station a real second chance; and requesting fresh CDs from the library. I actually miss spelunking for sweet new sounds. My musical appetite desires fulfillment again.

small steps that feel like a glimpse into a hopeful future.

{local Seattle band 'Campfire OK'
provided a much-needed bright spot with
completely impromptu concert in Nov.
Walked to center of my favorite coffee shop
and start playing banjo, two guitars,
stomping percussion and singing.
no microphones, no cover charge.
and they sounded amazing.}

Presently inviting suggestions for favorite new songs and cds worth trying.

anointed january

It is difficult
to quantify
the meaning of this time of year.
A burst of renewal followed with the slowest time of year
in life
in business
in events.

Days are getting longer
yet hibernation lingers
vitamin D in flavored chewable form rather valuable.

Even though the climate
isn't as cold as
I'm used to
a sense of numbness
and cold toes
haunt me.

Still Jesus
is alive
and ever moving
stirring in my heart and mind.
Entirely present
in anxieties about all that is to come
continually looking forward to when
the Bridegroom returns.
Times of melancholy restore
me
to His embrace.
Times of joy...
I rejoice!
in His provision and blessing galore.

Soon Mrs. T will be
wife of the chef.
First, though,
husband as student.

waves of homesickness
for MN
friends
family
snow
heat
nice
everything
strike my heart shores.

Pressing forward
running barefoot
Vibrams,
perfecting asanas.

enjoying the Bible Experience...

growing
tuning
knowing
God and self more
in the
stillness
of now.

Stillness at Daybreak

Before daybreak,
Jesus prays.
God wants to open up the heart,
before the heart opens up
to the world.
Before the ear
listens to the countless voices of the day,
let it hear
the voice of the Creator and Redeemer
in the early morning.
Stillness at daybreak
God made for himself.
It belongs to him.

- excerpt from Meditation and Prayer by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

journey to the center of good coffee

From a young age, I was not a fan of its taste. However, the scent of coffee was the morning smell I had come to associate with 'Mom'. Sure, I had friends that were drinking it as early as high school, and I took an experimental taste here and there. These early sips were followed with a crinkled nose and a confirmation of why I 'just liked the smell.'
After mere weeks in college, I was invited to join a group of girls that had begun a weekly tradition of going to Caribou Coffee near our campus. Each Wednesday, aka 'hump day'- (a term we said with a sly smile as it sounded dirty but really meant that it was just the middle of the week), we would walk or take the campus shuttle to get a beverage and chat, laugh, and share our hearts.
We soon nicknamed our new favorite coffee shop (mainly due to its location) and time of the week, creating a group we playfully nicknamed 'The Bou Girls'. At first I only ordered hot chocolate or tea, but after once adding a dash of coffee to my already overly-sweetened hot chocolate at an event, Wednesday became a chance for me to explore what coffee could be. My dear friend Melody was of particular inspiration, as she seemed to have been born to drink the stuff. Her sharing of drink ideas and ways to ease into the full bitter goodness of coffee were truly life changing. Irish Cream Latte. Lite White Berry. Like so many things in college, this was a time of education and growth. I wince at many of my choices in that time of my life, including my choice of caffeinated beverages, but they were of course an important part of my personal process. Oh, to be young and reckless again. A core group of The Bou Girls formed after a couple of years and we continued to meet consistently every Wednesday of college for all four years (laughing with a couple of the girls in photo left).
As I approached graduation from my undergraduate program, so I moved toward black coffee with a generous dash of cream and sugar. Coffee shops had become a place of comfort and refuge, which was a fortunate discovery as I entered into a time of uncertain living arrangements that begged frequent escape.

Then came Patrick.

I had heard mention from coffee-loving friends of the renowned Kopplin's of St. Paul, but for some reason hadn't gotten around to trying it. This turned out to be the place of employment for a man that rejoiced in all things coffee, had a kind way with people, and most especially loved the Lord. Upon meeting this Barista, I was promptly invited to visit him at work. Having motivations other than just coffee at this point, I ventured to a quaint and wondrous source of coffee and company (bar pictured left). Over the next months, he served me my first of the traditional Italian drinks: macchiato, cappuccino, espresso; and gave me the best mochas, lattes, and hot chocolate I'd ever had. It was a very tasty courtship (engagement photo right). Needless to say, I married that Barista and inherited not only a new last name but a plethora of knowledge and greater enjoyment of coffee.

With our lives now enriched not only with beverages, but each other, we knew it was time to follow the longing for adventure that pulled on both our hearts. We both love Minnesota and its people dearly, but were filled with the need to try another place for a while. The world was our playground, and the possible destinations were endless. Coffee was a minor factor amongst many others that led to our decision to move to the Seattle, WA area, but it sure was an attractive perk.

We set off for this Emerald City known for its coffee and the supposed birthplace of the coffee shop epidemic. I had entered a season of the con panne (pictured left) as my favorite order. As we spent our first weeks and months hopping from one specialty coffee shop to another, I could now compare their quality based on my encounter with their version of con panne, as well as the expert opinion of my husband, a master roaster and highly-skilled coffee taster. What a dream this land has been. Life came full circle when Melody came for a visit and I took her on a coffee tour through the city.


We know our time here is likely temporary, and I already miss the character and taste of the numerous quality cafes. In this liberal climate I have been fortunate to learn of the true source of coffee- literally who and where this product comes from. A highlight of our time here was an even hosted by Stumptown Coffee Roasters that featured a panel of coffee growers (pictured right) from around the world sharing their experiences and answering questions. Seeing farmers and hearing them share in person, many of them through interpreters, was a wonderful life altering experience that I hope will never fully leave me. These humble individuals are the reason it is OK to pay a little more for "just a cup of coffee." As they try to manage land in a way that produces a high caliber crop to please their international customers, they not only deserve to be paid a full, fair price, but they need to have a reasonable income to support their family. Given the increasing demand for good coffee beans, we imagine that coffee producers must live like kings. This is an unfortunate misconception, and the oft-touted 'fair trade' does not live up to its name or reputation. Thankfully, there are more and more coffee shops and roasters with character such as Stumptown and Kopplin's that are supporting direct trade with the farmers- a humanitarian effort that seems lost on most of the frivolous over-consumers of the product.

I am glad to know more about the origins of this beverage that has so augmented my life. There is nothing quite like good company combined with a good beverage, and being aware of its beginnings has enhanced the experience for me.

As the theme of coffee has permeated my life, I cannot help but ponder how far coffee and I have come together.
While trying to cut back on caffeine, I know my mom still enjoys a good cup from time to time; The Bou Girls have all moved on to new seasons and coffee shops, but we reunite about once a year, having long ago relocated our coffee shop meeting spot to various locations around St. Paul/Minneapolis; Patrick and I continue to live in the Seattle area, often entering the city for a coffee date, or at the very least stopping for a beverage to accompany us to another point of interest in this lovely northwesterly land.

No matter what comes my way or where God takes me, I'll make sure to stop regularly to enjoy a fine cup.

What a gift, what a joy, what a swell thing to sip. Coffee.

soft landing

year one . one year

i am the dot, dot, dot

embraced by a soft cocoon of reflection, i feel refreshed and renewed.

emerging from a year of allowing the dust to settle around me...
i now begin to feel
comfortable
at home
free
to be and become ME

fly...float...flitter fly float

between.

I am here
I am there

Familiarity found in the land of mini apples and lakes
as well as the town and surrounding area of sea cattle.

my life is epic.
like a mountain in the distance.
I am the mountain
pose.

life is raw, like my breakfast shake.

this is home
this earth is not my home

rest. pray. enjoy. commune. grow. rejoice. repeat.

talk of the future, embrace the now,
all is so good I could burst.

metaphorically pondering...

sometimes, it's like:

a wee sardine climbing to the highest peak of the largest mountain

walking so long in killer heels they become stylish flats

growing a beard from my elbow hair

converting white wicker furniture to darkly stained oak

keeping your lip balm intact while eating spicy hot ribs

throwing an ace of hearts into a vintage hat on the ground from the roof of a skyscraper

carving the Mona Lisa out of jell-o

sneezing so violently a piece of your lung pops out


this was a fun form of expression. I recommend.

Great Art

i'm inspired

this is a must-watch. 

I read about this woman in the newspaper 

and visited the link on youtube.  

I suggest you do the same...

Susan Boyle

tastefulthomascuisine

Below is a picture of coconuts growing in the wild...at the MN zoo. And to the right is a fun fact found directly under the plant.


Higher quality nutrition paired with increased time in the kitchen has brought with it many exciting and delicious things, and so---It is time. I have been working on a new blog not-so-secretly, and now I feel ready to reveal it here. Please do check it out- the link should be to the right, or click here.



p.s. I love coconut oil.

this. is. hilarious.

Herbal Supplements

It's official. We have begun our herb garden! This addition to our home has been a dream of mine for quite a while now, and I am excited for these fresh herbs a few steps from the kitchen. To the right you will see our four new friends: Rose, Clive, Ollie, and Ted. (rosemary, onion chives, greek oregano, and thyme.) I like to imagine them playing hearts and bridge when we're out...

Ever feel like you're on a deserted island and then discover that you are, in fact, not at all where you may have imagined? That is, I believe, the fate of these two wee ladybugs catching a ride on this tortoise, perhaps unknowingly.
When I directed Patrick's attention toward this micro-phenomenon while we were at the MN Zoo today, he imagined the dialogue being something between a guy and girl, with the guy using the pick-up line "Well baby, it's just you and me stuck here on this island..." I laughed.

And this scene, funny as it was, also brought me to a place of deeper thoughts on how things are not always as they seem. That which we perceive as reality may in fact be all we are capable of understanding in our finite, limited existence. But at some point the tortoise moves, and we discover that life is indeed a grand adventure. Even if it doesn't always seem like it.

Mickey Mouse Magic Wands

bathing by candle light

time alone

finally feeling at home

constantly designing our space

our one bedroom wonder in the city.

unique one-of-a-kind abstract artwork in the kitchen

beauty expressed in each little spot

splashes of color

the simple

the classy

the elegant

replaced candies and sugar 

with dried fruit, nuts, unrefined sugars and sweeteners...

I could write an homage to coconut oil.

healthy health nuts we have become.

my husband makes delicious honey whole wheat bread.

solitude found here in a few secret hours a day

bake

cook

read

spend more time in the kitchen.

word games online.

I am home.

Marriage Thoughts after Month One

I cannot do this without God.

moments of extreme frustration.

fun and difficult.

harsh reality of my ugly ways.

revelation of how much past hurts have left a print on my heart and my mind- and how those hurts affect my actions and words.

fear overwhelms me sometimes. I never knew being so close, so vulnerable, was so very scary.

loving him is a choice I make everyday. Some days I have to think about it. Others I don't.

Knowing that he'll be my roommate for the rest of our lives is extremely difficult for my mind to grasp. It's super fun though!

Today we had a fight about cheese. And it was really difficult. And seemingly insignificant, but at the time, the hardest thing that ever existed in the world.

I have always been fascinated by the complexities of relationships, and now, this one proves to be multi-dimensional and a never-ending, ever-changing myriad that has me mesmerized. Such a cool glimpse and reminder of what relationship with the Lord is like, for He is truly infinite and mysterious and amazing.

What a thing it is to be experiencing the impossibility of loving him without God and then experiencing the beauty of God loving Him through me. I cannot love him as just Angela.

I am more selfish than I ever imagined.

I am so many things that I never saw before.

How difficult to depend on someone else so much.

How great to depend on Jesus entirely.

How wonderful to enjoy another person so much on this deep of a level- As if exploring the caverns of each others' hearts, each new cave is a new part of my personality, his preferences, my dreams, his thoughts etc... "Come look in here- this idea is so cool" "This may not surprise you, but its something of a key into an elemental part of my self" "Are you sure you want to go in there...no, don't! I don't think you'll like it" ...and unfortunately, upon entering an unstable cave without being invited-"Get out! Leave now! You cannot see this part of me- I'll fall apart and suffocate you unless you leave right now!" and then the opposite JOY of-"Come in here, it's a very fragile and special place, and noone except God has seen this part of me, and now I want to share it with you."
We help each other to discover new caverns as well- he has definitely helped me to come across caves I either haven't noticed or didn't exist before-WOW!

What a rough, exciting, exhilarating journey to be spelunking through each other's hearts.

I like him more every day.

Favorite interchange with husband Patrick so far:
me: Good morning :) (laying in bed) What are you thinking about?
him: A dream and a song.
me: (after much laughter) It's like I married a fairy prince.

He is my prince, my knight, my love.